Dogs vs. cats
I was considering why dogs are so popular as a pet.
Admittedly I am a cat person. (Strange for guys? Possibly. I like to think cutting edge.) I'm sure just liking cats more will offend half of the 'dog people' out there which is one reason why I prefer cats. I have nothing against dogs or dog owners. Just quit being so proud of them. They're no smarter than any other animal we choose to imprison.
I don't need to see a picture of your dog. I barely want to see pictures of your babies (i might as well offend the parents too) so why would I want to see a picture of a dog? "Here, take a look at a picture of my dog." Wow! That has to be the greatest dog ever? What kind is that? A black lab you say. Fascinating.
Granted we have pictures of our cat from when she has done something cute or amusing, but I'm not pulling it out of my wallet to show you. Show me a funniest home video of your dog doing something assinine and I'm amused. Showing me a picture of your dog that looks like 5 billion others, not so much.
Mainly, the pros and cons of each pet is where I have a tough time with people being so onesided regarding dogs versus cats. And soon you will see as well.
BATHROOM MANAGEMENT (top of the list)
- Dog has to go to the bathroom. At the very least I've got to stop what I'm doing and let them out, OR I have to get all dressed up to walk him and wait for him to do his business. Let's say it takes 10 minutes from notification to completion. What? 3x a day for 20 years. That's nearly 3653 hours of my life involved in a dog shitting. (or nearly 2 years of full-time work)
- Cat has to go to the bathroom, heck, she might be going right now. Time involved = 0
ADVANTAGE - CAT
- Dog finishes going to the bathroom, I've got to pick up a stinking, steaming pile of dung. ...And then do what with it as I'm dry heaving?
- Cat finishes going to the bathroom, wife cleans out litter box every 3 or 4 days. (Okay, I do it every once in a while and at worst there is some ammonia smell)
ADVANTAGE - CAT
- While dog is out using the facilities, he decides to eat some shit. What the hell?
- Cats seems to realize that came out of an ass and avoid it.
ADVANTAGE - CAT
FOOTNOTE - Okay, so there's those of you will say, "my dog has a doggie door and let's himself out to do his business, which costs me no time." Granted. But the doggie door is also either letting in a burglar/rapist or a rabid raccoon. I'm awakened by either a gun to my head and a dick in my ass or a foaming raccoon gnawing on my throat.
"But I latch the doggie door at night so nothing can get in." I don't want to have to remember to "latch the doggie door" every night. And what if the dog has a late night urge? Dog heads downstairs, encounters latched doggie door, shits on floor. Or dog wakes me up to let him out, I punch dog for waking me up, dog shits on floor.
ADVANTAGE - CAT
MISCELLANEOUS
- I guess you have to walk dogs because they need exercise. Great, I live in Ohio and it's either 10 degrees out or 90 degrees out. Either way, my dog's getting fat.
- Our cat runs around the house like a bat out of hell for no reason at all, anytime she wants.
ADVANTAGE - CAT
- Dogs like to chew and eat anything and everything they can get their mouths on.
- Our cat maybe chews a plant every once in a while, if she can reach, which promotes plant growth.
ADVANTAGE - CAT
- If a dog chooses, he can just bark and make a ruckus and it'll get to the point that I might start hitting.
- The loudest our cat ever gets is when we accidentally step on her foot.
ADVANTAGE - CAT
- Dogs lovingly lick face. Isn't that cute? Dogs eat shit and lick asses and dog balls.
- Cats lick their asses and cat nuts but they don't lick your face.
ADVANTAGE - CAT
- Our cat constantly catches mice in the house (you get that in a 100 year old house)
- No dog is is maneuvering around our hardwood floors to catch a mouse.
ADVANTAGE - CAT
SIDE NOTE - Our cat is very proud of the mice she catches but rarely kills them. She always brings them to me because I sleep on the floor (that's another blog). We'll hear her scrambling around on the wood floors or ripping around the carpet and know she's after a mouse. If her frantic chasing doesn't wake me up, I'll eventually be awoken by a continuous muffled meow in my ear. When I open my eyes, I find a bloodied, kicking mouse inches from my face in the cat's mouth. She does it every time she catches one.
FINAL TALLY - CAT 9, DOG 0
"Honey, let's get a dog. I know that cats are superior in every way, but I'd like to be annoyed and disgusted and inconvenienced for the next 20 years so it seems like a no-brainer."
I've got more examples but that's plenty for now. I'll counter anything anybody else can throw at me.
posted by Hugh Janus @ 7:30 AM
3 Smart-ass Remarks
3 Comments:
This is effing hilarious. Dog people suck for one primary reason. They think of their dogs as kids or as people. Guess what though, no kid ever licked his ass, rubbed his freshly ass coated tongue across my Dockers and then started humping my leg. The only problem I see with this post is that cats suck it too. Basically if you want to live with animals you should move to the zoo. I don't think dogs piss on your pillows and the clothes you've laid out for the next day but then I wouldn't really know because I don't have one.
Why cats suck:
1. Pee/poop in the house and it sits and smells until you empty it out. I'm sorry but ALL houses with cats effing reek.
2. Mean. Don't argue with me. Cats are a bunch of bitches.
3. Boring. Hey-go fetch this ball, cat! Or just sit there on the window sill all day.
4. Climbing factor. Cats effing climb all over the goddamn place. Sorry if it kind of makes me sick to eat at the kitchen table 5 seconds after you shooed your cat off of it. I'm just saying cat butthole where my food is going is really appetizing.
5. Scratching factor. Cats scratch the hell out of everything and ruin everything.
6. Instead of greeting you when you get home, they pee in your house.
7. Dead mice = not cool.
8. I'm deathly allergic.
God I hate cats.
I think you've just run into some bastard cats in your day.
Of all the things you listed, our cat does none of them. She doesn't climb or scratch where she shouldn't (and she has claws).
We never had to litter train her, somehow she just knew. (unlike dogs who will shit and piss everywhere until they learn not to. "What, the kitchen floor is somewhere I'm supposed to pinch a loaf? And I shouldn't pee on the rug in the living room?)
Our cat knows the sound of mine and Jen's cars and is waiting at the door for us every time we come in the door.
The mice aren't dead, just somtimes wounded. I have a feeling that's better than mice running around the house spreading ebola everywhere. If you have a house and no cat you have mice. That's a fact. They may be cute but they are one of the largest carriers of tranmittable human diseases.
And boring, that makes my point. Dogs are needy and have low self-esteem. They always need attention. Look at me, pet me, walk me. I don't want to deal with that.
Dogs are the religious zealots of the pet world. As soon as I walk into a friend's house who has a dog, the dog is in my face trying to convince me how great they are.
My wife is allergic to some cats. Our cat has a 'twin' sister at our in-law's house and Jen is allergic to her but not ours.
And now that your gall bladder is gone, you should be fine. Cat allergies live in the gall bladder.
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