Dogs vs. cats

I was considering why dogs are so popular as a pet.

Admittedly I am a cat person. (Strange for guys? Possibly. I like to think cutting edge.) I'm sure just liking cats more will offend half of the 'dog people' out there which is one reason why I prefer cats. I have nothing against dogs or dog owners. Just quit being so proud of them. They're no smarter than any other animal we choose to imprison.

I don't need to see a picture of your dog. I barely want to see pictures of your babies (i might as well offend the parents too) so why would I want to see a picture of a dog? "Here, take a look at a picture of my dog." Wow! That has to be the greatest dog ever? What kind is that? A black lab you say. Fascinating.

Granted we have pictures of our cat from when she has done something cute or amusing, but I'm not pulling it out of my wallet to show you. Show me a funniest home video of your dog doing something assinine and I'm amused. Showing me a picture of your dog that looks like 5 billion others, not so much.

Mainly, the pros and cons of each pet is where I have a tough time with people being so onesided regarding dogs versus cats. And soon you will see as well.

BATHROOM MANAGEMENT (top of the list)

• Dog has to go to the bathroom. At the very least I've got to stop what I'm doing and let them out, OR I have to get all dressed up to walk him and wait for him to do his business. Let's say it takes 10 minutes from notification to completion. What? 3x a day for 20 years. That's nearly 3653 hours of my life involved in a dog shitting. (or nearly 2 years of full-time work)
  
• Cat has to go to the bathroom, heck, she might be going right now. Time involved = 0
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

• Dog finishes going to the bathroom, I've got to pick up a stinking, steaming pile of dung. ...And then do what with it as I'm dry heaving?
  
• Cat finishes going to the bathroom, wife cleans out litter box every 3 or 4 days. (Okay, I do it every once in a while and at worst there is some ammonia smell)
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

• While dog is out using the facilities, he decides to eat some shit. What the hell?
  
• Cats seems to realize that came out of an ass and avoid it.
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

_FOOTNOTE - Okay, so there's those of you will say, "my dog has a doggie door and let's himself out to do his business, which costs me no time." Granted. But the doggie door is also either letting in a burglar/rapist or a rabid raccoon. I'm awakened by either a gun to my head and a dick in my ass or a foaming raccoon gnawing on my throat.
"But I latch the doggie door at night so nothing can get in." I don't want to have to remember to "latch the doggie door" every night. And what if the dog has a late night urge? Dog heads downstairs, encounters latched doggie door, shits on floor. Or dog wakes me up to let him out, I punch dog for waking me up, dog shits on floor.
ADVANTAGE - CAT

MISCELLANEOUS

• I guess you have to walk dogs because they need exercise. Great, I live in Ohio and it's either 10 degrees out or 90 degrees out. Either way, my dog's getting fat.
  
• Our cat runs around the house like a bat out of hell for no reason at all, anytime she wants.
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

• Dogs like to chew and eat anything and everything they can get their mouths on.
  
• Our cat maybe chews a plant every once in a while, if she can reach, which promotes plant growth.
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

• If a dog chooses, he can just bark and make a ruckus and it'll get to the point that I might start hitting.
  
• The loudest our cat ever gets is when we accidentally step on her foot.
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

• Dogs lovingly lick face. Isn't that cute? Dogs eat shit and lick asses and dog balls.
  
• Cats lick their asses and cat nuts but they don't lick your face.
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

• Our cat constantly catches mice in the house (you get that in a 100 year old house)
  
• No dog is is maneuvering around our hardwood floors to catch a mouse.
  ADVANTAGE - CAT
  

_{SIDE NOTE} - Our cat is very proud of the mice she catches but rarely kills them. She always brings them to me because I sleep on the floor (that's another blog). We'll hear her scrambling around on the wood floors or ripping around the carpet and know she's after a mouse. If her frantic chasing doesn't wake me up, I'll eventually be awoken by a continuous muffled meow in my ear. When I open my eyes, I find a bloodied, kicking mouse inches from my face in the cat's mouth. She does it every time she catches one.

FINAL TALLY - CAT 9, DOG 0

"Honey, let's get a dog. I know that cats are superior in every way, but I'd like to be annoyed and disgusted and inconvenienced for the next 20 years so it seems like a no-brainer."

I've got more examples but that's plenty for now. I'll counter anything anybody else can throw at me.

I guess I might as well list a few

I'm sure there are 5 million blogs about pet peeves but just to get my first blog under my belt, here goes.

Words that people mispronounce.

In advance, I mildly apologize to those of you who actually pronounce the words below as such, but really only to those who have some sort of excuse for it... some sort of mouth deformity, a country of different origin where it is hard to pronounce some of the phonetics of different languages, regional accent, etc. You get the idea. Those of you whose first language is English. Stop it.

Ranked in order of annoyance.

1. nuclear - as NEW-Q-LAR
A guy named Dubya is famous for this one - I think other countries like this guy as our prez for the only reason I do as well, sheer entertainment

2. realty/realtor - as REAL-I-TOR
I know there are some strange pronunciation rules in English (silent letters, i before e, and all kinds of random craziness) but adding in extra vowel sounds where there are clearly none to be found is sheer madness. Here's a true story. I went to the bank to get a cashier's check for a deposit on this year's vacaction rental. The teller asked who I wanted the check made out to. I said "so-and-so Realty." As she jotted it down I watched it unfold in front of me. She wrote R-E-A-L-, and then she paused and I immediately knew what was to come. After some consideration, she finally continued, I-T-Y. With no way to be diplomatic I said, "That's spells reality," pronouncing the word properly, as in 'Survivor is a reality show.' I realized how dickish I sounded correctling her but what could I do. She laughed and admitted that the word always confused her. I wanted to say, "if you actually pronounced the letters that were there, there would be no confusion," but instead I just chuckled good-naturedly along with her as if I could empathize. The previous year, a different teller at the same bank came back with my cashier's check made out to 'so-and-so REALITY' as well, so I have to assume that in their orientation at this bank, they must teach this.

3. larynx/pharynx - as larNICKS/farNICKS
Explanation? I don't have a good one. Did their teachers in school pronounce it this way? How could they have started mispronouncing it? The only rational explanation I can put to it is that somehow Brett Favre's ancestors are involved. I bet if we traced the evolution of this mispronunciation back it would somehow tie to them. "Grandma Favre's voice is hoarse because a donkey kicked her in the larynx."

4. jaguar - as jagWIRE
Apparently those who clearly pronounce this as jagwire must have originally heard a southerner (or maybe a Bostonian) saying the word because if you say jaguar with a deep southern accent, it comes close. Of course, people with genetics that have never come anywhere close to the Mason-Dixon line or HAHvAHd YAHd say it, so they're just retAHded.

5. masonry - as masonARY
Again, there's that mysterious extra vowel sound coming from nowhere. This made my list today because this morning while watching 'This Old House' one of the experts actually said it. They actually have Boston accents on the show but that can't account for phantom sounds added to words.